Navigating internet based fora and chatrooms can be a veritable minefield for the uninitiated, here is a simple guide to help prevent the noob from falling foul of the multitudinous, and oft times conflicting, rules of engagement.
(A) Acronym: Tactical deployment of these along with smilies are an invaluable asset when attempting to ingratiate yourself with the host community (an obsequious, fawning attitude is also helpful in this regard). They are also widely used to maintain a visible presence by the mentally or verbally challenged..or when you just got fkall to contribute.
(A/2) Arseholes: Be careful they are EVERYWHERE!
(B) Bastards: Heyy we all have off days.
(B/2) Broken Webcams: See Cybersex.
(B/3) Blogs/Blogging: As a general rule the comment sections are infinitely more informative and thought provoking than the reactionary and spittle flecked OP. If you decide to take up blogging and you want to get that visitor counter ticking like a good 'un, pick something to hate on (everybody likes to feel superior/victimised/marginalised/justified when entertaining their tribal instincts-validate them and they will come) naked pics also work.
(C) Cybersex: A commonly used way to become acquainted with the opposite sex on the internet (it's the virtual equivalent to a bunch of flowers, a movie of her choice and a nervous peck on the cheek at the end of the night). Great care should be taken when indulging in casual erotic exchanges with 'bored and horny' 18 year old students as it is not outside the realms of possibility she is actually an overweight, semi-erect council worker and labour party activist called Frank in an advanced state of undress. A malfunctioning webcam could be indicative of public sector pension security.
(D) Dilbert: A jawdroppingly unfunny cartoon that has been adopted as a totem by whineyarsed desk jockey bloggers everywhere to illustrate their downtrodden professional penury (avoid it like the plague coz you'll only feel inferior when you don't get it).
(D/2) Data: After much deliberation I gotta say I prefer him to Spock.
(E) e-commerce: As yet nobody has been able to ascertain exactly what this internet phenomena is. Although it is rumoured to involve vague political soundbites, mail order marital aids and the advancement towards a cashless society.
(E/2) Email/Emailing: A properly managed inbox can become a handy resource to keep you abreast of the latest trends and developments in counterfeit drugs/watches/handbags and magic pills that make your willy bigger. Also, you too can feel like a corporate bigshot as you rifle through the latest batch of multimillion £/$/€ business propositions involving the theft of other people's money. Emailing: Fear not if you lose track of vital email records, the Gov' collects details on EVERYTHING and probably already lost it before you did.
(F) Flibbertigibbet: Just goes to show you that even 'really kewl cuss words' [sic] can have macabre origins.
(F/2) Folding Sunglasses: Yes folks as you meander along the Information Superhappyfuntimehighway there is a possibility you will interact with somebody who still thinks these are a neat idea.
(F/3) Flaming/flame Baiting: Before you indulge in this exhilarating sport (it's the most effective way to emotionally destroy some poor soul, humiliating them in front of their friends and denuding them of every last shred of self respect over the internet..apart from joining a dating site and getting married) you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? Flame Baiting: The flame baiter is the 5 times bankrupt, 3 times removed destitute cousin of the flamer. Already well aware that he/she doesn't have the juice, they will wax obnoxious until they get a bite and then scurry off to hide behind the coat tails of the nearest mod before someone tears them a new one (apparently manhood is measured in bananations in the sad, sticky Kleenex strewn alternate universe they inhabit). See also Sniping.
(G) Gluteus Maximus: Check regularly for bedsores, and ladies; you can expect it to start looking big in everything if you don't moderate your internet usage. Dinnae mither, it will still be here when you've made dinner, washed the pots, done the ironing and kicked the cat.
(G/2) Guides (to simplifying the internet) Seriously readers don't bother with them, it's much more fun playing it by ear and the self important windbags who write 'em will doubtless have an ulterior motive; such as keeping you away from all that lovely porn or...
(H) Healter Skelter: Oh come on! I don't care how much acid they dropped, you'd have to be completely squirrel shit to go a-murdering without first making sure there really was a giant hole in the middle of Death Valley for you to hide out in until the heat was off and you could safely return as rulers of the world..?...Never mind bonk L'il Charlie.
(H/2) Hiatus: I dunno what it means but I like the word and needed a break from compiling the serious stuff.
(I) Internet: Get it while it's hot folks coz plans are afoot (and even already in motion..ooh ooh do the locomotion..sorry 'bout that, I suffer from Little Eva syndrome, it's like Tourette's syndrome only marginally more embarrassing and liable for royalty payments) to make you pay for the good stuff and ensure everybody subscribes to the official version of reality.
(I/2) Inbreeding: How many toes can you count up to?
(J) Jesus Christ: This is bloody hard work!
K) Keyboard: You ain't gonna get very far without one.
(L) Leching: C'mon ladies showing a bit of flesh in your profile pics never hurt nobody and restraining orders are free.
(L/2) Leeching: Is a sin, y'awl should be ashamed of yourselves.
(M) Masturbation: Is not a sin, but for pity's sake put the damn mouse in a plastic bag if it's a communal pc.
(N) Nettitude: From time to time you will run into 24 karat plonkers who spend the time that isn't taken up with putting plastic bags on computer peripherals concocting excrutiatingly right on sounding new cyber terminology, like 'nettitude', 'noob' and 'no hun my name isn't Frank I'm getting a new cam next week'. Please read up on it for their sakes.
(O) Ordinary people: Scratch the surface and that's what you'll find....most of the time.
(P) Porn: Sheeeit man!
(P/2) Profile pics: Warning; contents may differ from illustration..wildly!
(Q) Query: Is Google really your friend?
(R) Religion: Miffed off Muslims, militant mackerel snappers, crazed cow worshippers in fact the selfish, demanding nature of garrulous God botherers of every ilk will seem as intimidating as the genitalia of a skinnydipping Swede in midwinter when compared with the single minded and uncompromising agenda of your common or garden atheist. Efforts made by normal people to infiltrate this shadowy and secretive cult have all been thwarted so we are unable to provide further information. Save to say give 'em a wide berth..and FFS do not ever feed one after midnight!
(S) Sniping (from the safety of other threads): If the flame baiter is the uncultured Yankee cousin to the Southern dandy flamer then your sniper is the mentally unstable half sister with the embarrassingly dark complexion that they keep locked in the cellar and feed on fish heads.
(T) Truth: It is out there (allegedly) but unfortunately no matter how far and wide you venture in your quest for it you are only ever going to find somebody's biased version of it (if you're lucky).
(U) U-571: See above, take a lesson and stop letting Hollywood colour your opinions idiots.
(V) Virgins: There are tons of undefiled users of a marriageable age available on the internet, They all seem to live in their mother's basements, have firmly entrenched opinions on who was the best Captain and are the world's leading consumer group of cheeseburgers, Star Wars memorabilia and hand lotion.
(W) WWW: I have yet to see a numerology site that has had a bash at this.
(W/2) Wit: The whole world wide web is a stage and everyone's a critic. Don't be afraid to have a go though, the internet employs highly trained sycophants who will 'LOL' for you no matter how corny or offensive your funny is.
(X) X$@£ it!: I'm stumped for something to put here, excuse my language.
(Y) You: Really would be better served joining a library.
(Z) Zing: Don'tcha just love it when a plan comes together?
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